...this feeling that I just can't bring myself to get enough done everyday. I struggle to move. All I want to do is sleep. Emotions feel trapped under the surface unable to find a way out. The crushing weight of laundry (the pile is over my head again...), yard work Todd can't possibly do, errands, repairs, oil changes, schooling, paper work for residency, financial stuff. It just goes on and on. I feel like I've got some fat man sitting on my chest and I can't get that darned buster to move!!
And the more school we do the dirtier my house gets! Tegan and Tyler get a kick out of raiding the kitchen while I'm working on school with the other children. They spread rolled oats all inside my carpets, couches, and kitchen drawers one morning. Another day they climbed up and found the syrup.
I'm still touching things that are sticky from syrup hands, and that was days ago!! The worst thing is the bathroom. They take baths every time I turn around! Wet clothes and floors; whole bottles of shampoo emptied into the tub. Bubbles everywhere!!! I can't keep the soap and shampoo away from them!! No matter where I've tried hiding it, they find it and use the whole thing in one bath. I've tried assigning an older child to watch the younger ones and taking turns, but the older child ends up playing in the back yard, reading a book, or playing in their room while the little ones do their thing. It's maddening!! The mess is getting monumental. My poor husband is afraid to come home from work! And my house is starting to stink!!
But I have to get my self together. Sinking into depression or frozen panic won't fix anything or make my life any more doable. I have to shake the overwhelming sense of failure and defeat! My children are happy, well fed, and loving having their mommy teach them. We've talked more in the past few weeks. Ya, know. Just talked. They ask me lots of questions and we talk about how God has such a special and unique plan for their lives. They've been asking to hear more details about how their daddy and I met. I never get tired of telling those stories!
We have loved on each other more in these past few weeks and I just can't get enough of being with them!
Todd and I, too, have just carved out time to love on each other. He listens to me melt down and has been so patient with my screwed up coping mechanisms and been willing to love me exactly where I'm at. I don't know where he finds the energy for that with his crazy schedule but I adore him for it!! This pain in my chest is probably also from the dread of him leaving the end of the month for two whole months on the road.... I can't even process what the pain of not having him around will be like! I thought I would die the 5 weeks we were apart several years ago... (This is just too much to think about! I'm gonna make myself sick.)
So I'm really ok. A dirty house isn't the end of the world and my laundry pile is shrinking (albeit at such a minuscule rate it's barely noticeable
) and school is happening. The world will keep grinding on even if I'm not "super mom"...
Comments (6)
wow girl, I don't even know what to say, other than I know God has you in the place and I know he'll bring you through, if you just ask Him. I know when my mom was schooling my older siblings, I was giving a little spot in the same room to do "projects". One year she was so delighted when she figured out if she bought me those alphabet stickers, I'd be perfectly content to stick them on sheets of paper for hours at a time and I know one school year, that's mostly what I did.
"So I'm really ok. A dirty house isn't the end of the world and my laundry pile is shrinking (albeit at such a minuscule rate it's barely noticeable
) and school is happening. The world will keep grinding on even if I'm not "super mom"... 
"
Ok, Jess, you put words in my mouth with what you said there!!!! I hear ya. Totally relating! I keep telling myself, my job is more challenging right now, but I LOVE seeing my kids enjoying learning and being at home. Just remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!hugs, Abby~I'm sure in a few years, the good memories with the children is what you will remember - not the dirty house! (Although maybe some of these stories would be good to remember for their weddings)! ( ;
Love your honesty - we mama's can all relate in one sense or another! Hope your day is filled with little hugs and kisses! Mj@redladybug18 - Thank-you!
@aprescott - Thank-you!
@PrincessOfSeptember - Thank-you!
@maryjunemiller - Thank-you!
@valloriejo - Thank-you!
Ya'll's encouragement means more than I can say!! Today one of my girlfriends here in town just showed up at my door with a big bunch of gorgeous Fall flowers! And I know you all prayed that idea to her heart! Thanks so much, from the bottom of my heart! Today is better...